all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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