Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
