I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
