he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
