Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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