Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize