If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
this will be a night to untag.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
