It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
