proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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