i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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