Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
