he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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