Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
