So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
