I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
