so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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