if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
