i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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