Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
