Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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