Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
