it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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