Ambien. No doubt about it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize