Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
