my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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