I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
