Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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