just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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