what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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