I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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