So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
