I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
