I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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