Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize