I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
