Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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