I'm gonna have a badass scar
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
