I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
