woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
