captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
