Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
