I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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