You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
