Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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