Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
