1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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