I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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