Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
