My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
