The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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