I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
