call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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