Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
