I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
