he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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