You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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