Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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