you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
