Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
