my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
