I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
