Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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