My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
