i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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