Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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