And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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