Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize